I want to make it clear that in this post I’m not asking why I am gay, that is a writing exercise for another day. Meaning this essay isn’t why I am attracted to men, this is why I am attracted to a certain type of man, why I am attracted to the brand of masculinity that I am. I’m exploring my sexual attunement and discussing the style of man, not man itself.
Do I feel masculinity is superior? No, not at all. Seeing Masc for masc on apps sounds troubling because it is indeed troubling. It’s exclusion by identity rather than exclusion by actual attraction. How does one even categorize themselves as “masc” or place a level on their masculinity in an app when each person has a very subjective view of their own masculinity as well as that of others they have yet to meet and have only seen a carefully curated photo of? If we place a value upon a person because of our perception of their attractiveness, we are exercising our exclusion by identity by making our own perception the identity we place upon them and then judging them based on our prejudice. A good majority of people understand this when applied to other scenarios (and many do not) It’s ok to say we don’t like certain flavors in the food we eat, but it’s not ok to say we don’t like the food because of the race of the person who cooked it.
I’m attracted to someone because they mirror or compliment a need or desire in me, and chemistry is when they respond in the same way. Attraction is not about superiority but rather a magnetic pull of seeking a reconciliation of one’s desires and needs through the person who arouses them. Meaning, what does my body respond to? You could be the most handsome or beautiful man in the world (also subjective but lets say Mr Universe), yet if your potential partner is not aroused and engaged by you, how could can desire develop? Attraction functions like our taste in food, not our near sided taxonomy of the person cooking it. We don’t owe everyone desire, but we do owe everyone respect and decency.
Presence or Repulsion
Personally what I am attracted to is self restrained power, those who have the ability to exercise their power yet know how, why, and when to do so. I am not interested in those who do not know how to wield a sword without cutting themselves and those around them, that is repulsive to me. I pay attention to those who know how to navigate the world, rarely seeing a need to exercise their power because they are comfortable and secure with themselves and understand exactly what a threat is and isn’t.
Understanding this capacity of what I’m referring to here as masculine power (far more appropriate names for it I’m sure) is understood best by trial and error, feeling the hurt and seeing firsthand that a man who does not confuse discomfort with danger and, who understands what a proportional response to a possible threat is. A man who measures twice and cuts once, so to speak. Understanding that those who speak the loudest and draw attention to themselves are often doing so as cries of insecurity. Don’t tell me I must respect you and show you loyalty, show me you have earned it by the hard work you have put into yourself. Prove to me that the person inside is an adult who is capable of restraining the masculine body he inhabits.
Recognition of Desire
If I chase in others what I lack myself I will only remain disappointed because I have not done the work to posses those qualities myself, but I do admire and am attracted to shared or similar successful survival patterns. I’m drawn to men who put in the work to earn from themselves the comfort of being in their own bodies. I’m attracted to men who have worn the same shoes as I have. Who have struggled with understanding their own masculinity and have triumphed.
We can only be apologetic about our desires if we also understand their relationship to the personal values we apply to our own worth, because they are linked. When we have a healthy sense of our own value and that of those around us, our desires become far more clear, and the way we seek and express them becomes more in tune with who we want to be, and be with.
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As always please share your thoughts, I’m looking forward to discussing this topic with you in the comments! Please subscribe now for Chasing Masculinity : Part 3