That Apostate Series : I’m Matt

That Apostate Series : I’m Matt

Sunday began with the tail end of my Watchtower study and a quick breakfast before heading out to the quiet of the early morning. I’d always arrive at the Kingdom Hall at least thirty minutes early, a personal rule for the serene preparation ahead—ensuring the sound system was ready, the literature desk was stocked with tracts, brochures, and magazines, and the territory cards for door-to-door ministry were laid out in order.

While I tended to these tasks, Kingdom Melodies would blare through the hall, echoing with the same zeal as at our assemblies. They were powerful, meant to embolden and lift us up. Yet to me, they often underscored a tension between the expectations of my faith and the truths of who I was, yet unspoken.

In the tranquil early hours, as I stood in the empty hall, there was time for reflection amid the resounding Kingdom Melodies. My thoughts would turn to the material that was about to be presented to the congregation, the interpretations we would share, and the discussions it would spark. When the first members began to arrive, their friendly greetings seemed to accentuate the gnawing feeling inside me. As I admired their faith and resolve, I also grappled with a profound sense of imposter syndrome. Realizing my attraction to men had sown within me a feeling of deep alienation—I felt unclean, unworthy, and utterly misplaced among those who seemed so sure of their place in this supposedly spiritual haven.

Mastering the art of code-switching became second nature to me. I knew exactly what to say, how to act, which expressions to wear, and what subjects to be conversant in to sidestep any suspicion of my sexuality. It was a performance honed through necessity, where the stakes were not just acceptance but survival in a community where being myself was not an option.

I never led a double life, but oh, how I wanted to. The desire to live authentically and explore my own interests outside the strict boundaries set by my faith was overwhelming. I dreamed of being able to openly discover who I was, beyond the expectations and the roles I played within the congregation.

I recall evenings spent alone, wrestling with the fact that I was living a life in grayscale, craving the courage to let my true colors burst forth. The thought of carrying on this charade indefinitely was suffocating; the more I played the part, the more I felt the real me withering away.

Yet, despite the shackles of my circumstances, the most authentic part of me yearned for liberation—for a life where I could embrace my truths without fear. I yearned for a belief system that was not inherited but chosen, that I could hold to not out of obligation but from a genuine connection to its values.

The seeds of change began to sprout within me, an undeniable urge to embark on a journey to self-discovery, to challenge the teachings that had long dictated my life and uncover my own understanding of spirituality. It was a daunting path, one that promised isolation from my current community, but it beckoned me with the promise of self-actualization.

This resolve became my compass in the uncharted territory of my life. I knew it would demand every ounce of bravery I had, and I might find myself walking away from everything familiar. But the pull to find out who I truly was, beneath the layers of indoctrination and performance, became the quest of my life—a quest for a genuine existence where, at the end of the day, the only person I needed to reconcile with was the man in the mirror.

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